Episode #012: The Case for Emotional Self-Validation, AKA Why You Shouldn't Feel Bad About Feeling Bad

We all know the importance of mindset — studies suggest that cultivating a positive mindset offers a whole host of health benefits including increased lifespan, lower rates of depression, improved immune system, and more — but does that mean you should ignore your so-called negative emotions?

Absolutely not! In this episode of The Wildest Podcast, let's talk about why feeling bad isn't a bad thing and why emotional self-validation is a powerful resource to have in your personal development toolbox.

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Transcript

Hello my friends and welcome back to The Wildest Podcast, a weekly personal development podcast in 10 minutes (or less). My name is Jandra Sutton, and I’m an author, entrepreneur, and speaker based in Nashville, TN. If you’re new to the podcast, I’m so glad to have you here with me today, and if you’re a long-time listener, welcome back! As always, my goal is to help you get more out of life. 

Now, there are a lot of different topics that fall under the category of personal development. On this podcast alone, we’ve talked about things like productivity, saving (and making) money, coping with anger and resentment, and more — and that’s because I believe that personal development or self-help content should address all facets of development. Because, as individuals, personal development is about cultivating our own capabilities or possibilities. And those possibilities shouldn’t be limited to things like mindset, motivation, and success-building habits. 

However, that doesn’t mean those things aren’t important — they absolutely are, especially when addressed in the right way — but it boils down to my belief that most self-help content talks about WHAT to do (whether that’s changing your mindset, developing a routine, etc) without talking about HOW to do it. When, in reality, we need both. 

Especially for those of us who are struggling with mental health issues — whether that’s anxiety, depression, OCD, or something else — or neurodivergence (like my own journey with ADHD), the WHAT is easy. The HOW? Not so much.

That’s why, in today’s episode of The Wildest Podcast, I want to talk about one of those topics that we hear a lot about in personal development, but I’m going to address it in a way that you might not expect: more specifically? I want to talk about mindset, the importance of emotional self-validation, and why feeling bad isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

You’ve probably heard the term “toxic positivity” before, but if you haven’t, it refers to the belief that some self-help and mindset gurus possess that encourages people to focus on the positive in all things — even trauma and tragedy — and sometimes goes as far as to say that a lack of positivity or positive thinking is why your life isn’t turning out the way you want it. Toxic positivity pushes things like “you just need to look on the bright side,” and “good vibes only.” The Law of Attraction can sometimes tumble into toxic positivity as well with “like attracts like” — aka if you want more good things to come into your life, you need to be emitting so-called ‘positive vibrations’ in order to manifest abundance.

Now, I’m not saying that I don’t see and recognize the importance of positive thinking. Optimism is a valuable skill to cultivate in your life, and there are elements of the Law of Attraction that I do believe. Setting clear goals and intentions — and reminding myself of them often — means I’m more likely to take the actions necessary to bring those things into my life. Plus, science shows us that positive and self-talk can have a massive beneficial impact on your health as well — including increasing your lifespan, lowering rates of depression, improving your immune system, and more.

However, that doesn’t mean negative thinking or feeling bad doesn’t or shouldn’t have a place in your life. Feeling bad — whether that’s sadness, anxiety, depression, overwhelm, anger, or something else — isn’t wrong. In fact, it’s pretty normal and even important. 

I’ve spoken about this on an earlier episode of the podcast, but one of the best things I’ve learned in therapy over the years is that emotions are indicators. The things we’re feeling are usually trying to tell us something, and — even if we don’t agree with the message they’re sending, like if you’re feeling sad or depressed and you believe you quote-unquote “shouldn’t” be feeling sad right now — that doesn’t change the fact that you ARE feeling sad. 

Think about it this way: Let’s pretend you’re feeling cold. You ask your friend if they’re feeling cold, and they say no — but they don’t just say no, they say something like, “How can you feel cold? You shouldn’t feel cold.” 

Even if that’s true — even if it’s 90 degrees outside and sunny — that doesn’t change the fact that you, in that moment, feel cold.

The same thing is true for your emotions, and it’s why emotional validation is incredibly important — both within the bounds of a relationship and with yourself. If my partner is feeling angry, for example, I might disagree with why he feels angry or how he expresses that anger, but that doesn’t change the very real feelings that he is experiencing. They’re real to him, and — if you look at the chemistry of his emotions — they’re even more concrete. Regardless of the SOURCE or CAUSE of an emotion and whether or not it’s justifiable, you can’t argue with the fact that there is a physiological change that happens in our bodies whenever we feel something. Now, I won’t spend a ton of time going into the chemistry of emotions and how this works, but it’s important to remember that it’s happening.

When you feel something, positive or negative, there is a corresponding change happening within your body. Your neurotransmitters are firing and a bunch of other things are happening in your brain and body that I won’t pretend to understand — which means your emotions are REAL even if you don’t like them. 

Personally? That’s why I don’t feel bad about feeling bad. The way I see it, and this is a very non-scientific exploration, if emotions are occurring — chemically — in my body, fighting or resisting an emotion is prolonging the experience. Feeling it, allowing your body to go through it’s a physiological response, is processing said emotions, which can help you understand and (ideally) pass through those emotions.

This is a silly example, but it’s like putting mentos into a bottle of Diet Coke. A chemical reaction is occurring at that point no matter what, and you can try to put a lid on it — to slam something on top of the bottle — but that’s not going to stop the reaction itself from happening. In fact, while researching this episode, I actually watched a video of a guy who DID manage to put mentos in a bottle of diet coke — closed the lid — and depressurized the bottle to make the liquid ‘settle’. But guess what? It still exploded as soon as the lid came off.

Honoring and feeling your emotions is an important part of moving through them, and research supports this. One study discovered that participants who accepted their feelings experienced less so-called negative emotions while stressed, and another found that those who accepted their emotions were less depressed, less anxious, and more satisfied with their lives overall.

Because, yes, even if you’re someone who DOES believe in the power and importance of being positive 24/7, that doesn’t mean that so-called negative emotions don’t exist. It’s like planting flowers on top of weeds — your flowers might grow, but the weed is still there. If you don’t address it, and actually pull it out at the roots instead of just cutting it short and pretending like it doesn’t exist, then it’s going to keep coming back and might strangle everything you plant in the future. But now that we’ve talked about the importance of feeling our emotions, good and bad, let’s talk about the process of validating them. This is something that I recommend you explore with the help of a therapist, but it’s important to acknowledge that therapy isn’t always affordable or accessible. If you don’t have the ability to work with a therapist, that doesn’t mean you can’t work on learning how to validate your own emotions. It just means you need to be careful to be patient and understanding with yourself throughout this process. You’re learning something new, and it’s not going to be easy — and you probably won’t be successful on your first try. That’s okay! As I always say, things like self-validation is a skill and a muscle that takes time and practice to develop. You wouldn’t expect yourself to be able to bench press 500 pounds on your first trip to the gym, so you shouldn’t treat this process any differently.

And the first step to validating your emotions? We’ve actually already talked about it, and that’s simply accepting and acknowledging them. Again, you don’t have to agree with why you’re feeling a certain way — just that you DO feel it. 

One trick I do is to “timebox” feeling a specific emotion. It can be overwhelming to think, “Okay, time to feel this thing,” especially if it’s a BIG emotion, which is why I give myself a time limit. I’ll set a timer on my phone for 5 or 10 minutes, curl up in bed, and just...let myself feel it. If I need to scream into a pillow, I’ll scream into a pillow. If I need to cry, I’ll let myself cry. Sometimes just saying how I feel out loud — saying “I’m really freakin’ frustrated” — can go a long way in acknowledging your emotions. Make sure you’re paying attention to both surface and deeper emotions as well. 

Sometimes my surface emotions are masking deeper ones. I might feel exhausted, for instance, but — while that’s totally valid in and of itself — sometimes I’m feeling exhausted BECAUSE I’m feeling (or avoiding feeling) something else, like anxiety or overwhelm.

From there, I like to write or talk about how I’m feeling. You can do this with a therapist, in a journal, with a trusted friend, or just talk to your dog. This isn’t a required step, but I find that journaling helps me build a more accurate view of what I’m feeling — it helps me get beyond the surface emotions and understand what’s actually going on.

You might think, “I’m depressed because I don’t have any friends and no one likes me,” but is that the truth of your situation? Maybe it is, but maybe it’s that you’re lonely. Maybe you’re feeling sad because a friend cancelled on plans and you’re afraid that means they don’t like you or you’re disappointed because you were excited about seeing them. Keep in mind, understanding WHY you feel a certain way doesn’t actually matter as much as you might think. Sometimes — and this is something I’m certainly guilty of doing — we use ruminating on the causes of our emotions as a tactic to avoid FEELING them. That’s not the goal here. The goal is simply to view and name our emotions with complete honesty. It’s asking the question, “What are you really feeling?” and saying it out loud. 

Another important part of self-validation is responding to yourself. Tell yourself “It’s okay that I feel sad,” or “I’m allowed to be nervous.” Think about when you were a kid, and whether or not your emotions were addressed and soothed or ignored. We all have habits and tendencies that we’ve picked up over the years, but it’s about doing what that younger version of us needed. We didn’t need to be told, “Stop crying, you’re fine. It’s not a big deal.” We needed to be held. We needed to be supported and led through a healthy emotional response. We needed to be told, “It’s okay if you’re feeling sad. You’re allowed to cry. Do you need to talk about it?”

It takes a lot of time and effort and relearning, but taking steps to be that support system for yourself pays off in the long run — more than you can possibly imagine. It’s something I’ve been practicing heavily for the last year or two, and while it’s something I still struggle with from time to time, it’s helped me learn how to cope with my heavier emotions and respond to them in a different way. 

When I feel a depressive episode coming on or an uptick in anxiety, I try to let myself feel those things instead of fighting them. Not only has this helped me cope with those things, it’s also taught me how to recognize when they’re coming on and take proactive steps to prepare — these days, I can actually tell when I’m about to have a panic attack, which has been incredibly helpful because it means I can remove myself from a situation and either do something to diffuse the panic attack — like engaging in a numbing behavior if I’m in public (because, yes, I have a list of numbing behaviors) — or just...letting myself have the panic attack if I’m safe at home. My partner knows what to do in response to my panic attacks, and by allowing it to happen I’ve found that I can move through it faster than when I used to resist them.

You’ll notice that I’m not saying emotional self-validation can cure negative emotions, and it certainly can’t erase something like depression or anxiety, but that’s not the goal. The goal is to place less restrictions on yourself and your feelings, to be more supportive of yourself and your emotional well-being, and to learn how to develop healthier coping mechanisms as you learn more about yourself and the emotions you’re experiencing. It’s a long process, not a magic wand, but it has been important and helpful in my own journey, and I hope it can do the same for you too.

That’s all we have time for in today’s episode of The Wildest Podcast, so thank you so much for listening. If you haven’t already, please subscribe to this podcast and please — leave us a review. If you want to chat more about this subject, feel free to follow me on Instagram and Tiktok @jandralee — my DMs are always open — and you can join the wildest community by going to jandralee.com/wildest and signing up for our newsletter. If you have any ideas or suggestions for topics for upcoming episodes of The Wildest Podcast, feel free to send an email to hello@jandralee.com. I hope you have an absolutely wonderful day, and — as always — keep working, keep striving, but don’t forget to take a break if you need one. Talk soon!